Update

It has been 4 months since my last post, and I don’t even know where to begin.

The most important first, I guess: I’m sorry. To anyone who had any interest in my posts, I’m sorry I’ve been absent.

I’ve started another year in college and it’s hectic to be honest. I have a crazy work schedule with assignments and its been causing me a lot of stress.  I started going to an occupational therapist to help me organise my life better and it has been a life-saver. I started seeing someone about two months ago, which I will post more about soon. My anxiety has gotten worse but my depression has definitely gotten better which is strange, the two usually go hand in hand. I think it’s because I’m so busy, I’m worrying about college, my relationship, my family, my friends. I don’t have time to let my depression get on top of me. It still does some days, of course. All in all, life has gotten a whole lot busier and much more stressful, but I think I’m happier.

Zara x

I feel lost and confused. I have no idea how to move on from something without closure, and now I’m starting to feel like I’ll never get it and I will spend the rest of my life in love with this person who is so toxic to me. He literally uses me for sex and has no regard for my feelings, and I still come running every time. I still want the absolute best for him. I hope he goes far and does well and is happy. There are so many moments when something small happens and all I can do is wish I could have shared it with him. He is the first person I want to tell when I get news. He is the person I want to call whenever I get upset. I feel completely out of my mind. He thinks I’m insane because when things ended I got upset and he felt I had no right to be. That’s not why I’m crazy, I’m crazy because even though he treated me like that I still love him. Why?! Why am I so stupid? Why do I disregard my own feelings and worth?  Why can’t I just be normal and hate him and never want to speak to him again? Why is it that whenever I try to think about how he treated me, all I can see is his hand on my cheek and his eyes gazing into mine as though I was the most precious and beautiful thing he could ever hold? Why don’t I see all the nights I spent crying because he refused to answer his phone? All the times he made promises he didn’t keep?

I feel like ripping my hair out and curling up into a ball and just crying my life away. Why can’t I be normal? Why did I spend over a year loving someone who doesn’t even talk to me anymore? Except, of course, when he texts me to meet up and bang. I feel so shattered and incomplete. I will never know why one day he thought I was the most amazing thing to ever happen him and the next he never wanted to see me again. But, I know I’m going to spend my life wondering about it, and as long as I do, I will never be complete. I know I need to let this go, but I just can’t and it’s tearing me apart with it.

“The sinking ship is my lifeboat” 

I don’t want to drown.

Zara x

PS this is a rant. It is not enjoyable to read or well written but I created this blog to serve as a type of diary and today that’s what it is.