Posted on Categories confused, depression, love, my life, rant, relationships, struggles, young adult

I feel lost and confused. I have no idea how to move on from something without closure, and now I’m starting to feel like I’ll never get it and I will spend the rest of my life in love with this person who is so toxic to me. He literally uses me for sex and has no regard for my feelings, and I still come running every time. I still want the absolute best for him. I hope he goes far and does well and is happy. There are so many moments when something small happens and all I can do is wish I could have shared it with him. He is the first person I want to tell when I get news. He is the person I want to call whenever I get upset. I feel completely out of my mind. He thinks I’m insane because when things ended I got upset and he felt I had no right to be. That’s not why I’m crazy, I’m crazy because even though he treated me like that I still love him. Why?! Why am I so stupid? Why do I disregard my own feelings and worth?  Why can’t I just be normal and hate him and never want to speak to him again? Why is it that whenever I try to think about how he treated me, all I can see is his hand on my cheek and his eyes gazing into mine as though I was the most precious and beautiful thing he could ever hold? Why don’t I see all the nights I spent crying because he refused to answer his phone? All the times he made promises he didn’t keep?

I feel like ripping my hair out and curling up into a ball and just crying my life away. Why can’t I be normal? Why did I spend over a year loving someone who doesn’t even talk to me anymore? Except, of course, when he texts me to meet up and bang. I feel so shattered and incomplete. I will never know why one day he thought I was the most amazing thing to ever happen him and the next he never wanted to see me again. But, I know I’m going to spend my life wondering about it, and as long as I do, I will never be complete. I know I need to let this go, but I just can’t and it’s tearing me apart with it.

“The sinking ship is my lifeboat” 

I don’t want to drown.

Zara x

PS this is a rant. It is not enjoyable to read or well written but I created this blog to serve as a type of diary and today that’s what it is.

7 thoughts on “”

  2. You need to make your own closure. Although it’s hard and at the moment it probably feels like the hardest thing you’ve ever done. You have to put your foot down and say stop you can’t have closure while you still see him. It’ll tear you apart but you will rebuild and regrow and be yourself again. There is no timescale it may take weeks months or years but you will get there and be stronger for it. But you’ve got to stop letting yourself be used and stand firm😊

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  3. Hi Zara,
    I just really wanted to let you know that you’re such an inspiration to me because I can really relate to you and you’re so open and honest in your posts.

    I noticed you haven’t been posing recently and I have been waiting patiently for a new post! I really wish you would start writing again because you really have a way with words and I think that you could really build up a great following.

    I have experienced a lot of the same things as you like being used for sex and it’s gotten me really down recently. I feel like none of my friends would understand and I really need someone to talk to. Nobody gets me yuno. You really seem like such a nice person.

    I’ve found that listening to music and song writing has been helping a bit. Writing is just such an emotional release and it’s my own personal little thing that nobody really knows about. Living in a small town is so hard especially when people that think they know you make up horrible things about you and make you feel so isolated. Sometimes I wish I had a friend who understood.

    Stay beautiful, Zara!
    A huge fan,
    Sarah
    X

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    1. I’m so sorry that I’ve only seen this now. Thank you so much for your kind words, I never thought for a second that anything I’d write would ever help/comfort someone. I understand exactly what its like to not feel understood by those around you, but the only thing you can do is try your best to explain. Of course, unless they’ve gone through something similar, they won’t truly be able to understand. But hey, that’s what online community is for, and thank you so much for reopening my eyes to this. I promise I’ll write more. Even just for you. Zara x

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