Living With Depression

Before I go on to write this without dragging out too much 0f a sob story, I am currently in my final year of University, having screwed up the majority of my academia through faults of my own, and…

Source: Living With Depression

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Youtube?!

I’m thinking of starting a Youtube channel that I can use to talk about mental health, socialism, feminism, sex, fashion and beauty. I find speaking much easier than writing, but I don’t know if people would be interested. So many similar youtube channels exist, but I feel it’s important to keep these conversations going..

Would you be interested in watching something like this?

Feminist Dream; Socialist Dream

I dream of a world where men and women are equal.

Where I can walk down the street without fear of being groped or harassed or assaulted.

Where the father of my child has equal rights to them as I do.

Where my daughter can play sports without being called “butch”

Where my son can be proud of his emotions.

Where no child’s genitals are mutilated upon birth, for cultural reasons or cosmetic ones.

Where all people are given the same opportunities and rights, regardless of class, gender, colour or creed.

I dream of a world where humans work together as humans. Where we embrace our differences, and celebrate how our diversity gives us a broader view of this life. The greatest thing people can do is co-operate. Together we can do great things. We have seen this in movements of hundreds of people, or thousands, we’ve seen this in nations and unions, we need to start seeing this globally. We are all people. We are all different and all complex and all completely equal. No one man or woman is worth more than any other. I dream of a world where this is the known truth.

Where gender does not separate us. Where class does not separate us. Where nationality does not separate us. Where religion does not separate us. Where sexual orientation does not separate us.

I dream of a world where all people are equal.

No one lives in fear of being themselves.

Where love for humanity itself unites us all.

Is this dream too great for this world? I think not.

Zara x

Stress is a killer

These are words I’ve been told time and time again. I never thought much of it until this year. I’ve always been pretty skinny, when I was a young teen it was very skinny, but as I’ve gotten older I finally became a normal-ish size. My weight never fluctuated much, at the age of 17, I started gaining small amount of weight and the increase stayed about the same every year.

At the end of last year, I got sick. Not hospitalized sick, but sick none the less. My weight started to drop again, I hadn’t been eating properly since I had moved up to college. I was deficient in a number of  vitamins and minerals, and the knock on effect of a run down body had me bed-ridden. I was treated for my deficiencies and given time to get better, lo and behold, my weight started to increase again. The second semester ended with me quite thin, but on my way up. Over the summer I became the heaviest I’ve ever been, finally reaching a healthy BMI and my skin finally taking back it’s natural sallow colour.

College started back in September, and suddenly my weight dropped again. Fast. This time I wasn’t sick, this time I was eating better. I couldn’t understand it, until I came home for the first time since moving to college. My daddy took one look at me and said “Stress is eating you away“. He was right. I had a lot on my plate with college, working, moving in with strangers, starting a new relationship, the list goes on. I’ve never been the best to deal with stress even in its smallest of forms. I realised that stress had a lot to do with my illnesses the previous year too. I stopped eating because I was too busy; to shop or cook, or even just to take the time to sit and eat.

This is an incredibly important year in college for me, knowing how much being sick effected my work last year, I made the decision to get help. I wasn’t going to let this happen again. I contacted my college disability services and the coordinator for my course to tell them how I had been feeling. Everyone I spoke to was very understanding and helpful. I had been worried that I was wasting peoples time, that they had more things to worry about than a girl who can’t cope with stress. My fears were quenched quickly. By recommendation of the disability services, I started going to occupational therapy, where I’m being shown how to best organise myself to keep on top of everything and how to deal with my stress. Stress is always going to be a factor in everyone’s lives. It’s completely unavoidable, but understand how to deal with your stress, how to calm yourself down and remain positive and productive through stress is essential. Stress can kill. It can exacerbate or cause depression, heart disease, digestive problems, auto-immune disease and more. Stress can change who you are as a person, it can bring out the worst in you. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is if you are feeling stressed to talk to someone. Get help. There is nothing to be ashamed of, it is not weakness, there is a strength in knowing when you need to ask for help. Even if it is just talking to a friend, a partner, a co-worker, your boss, a councilor, an occupational therapist, a cognitive behavioral therapist, the options are endless.

Stay mindful, stay strong, stay happy,

Zara x

Update

It has been 4 months since my last post, and I don’t even know where to begin.

The most important first, I guess: I’m sorry. To anyone who had any interest in my posts, I’m sorry I’ve been absent.

I’ve started another year in college and it’s hectic to be honest. I have a crazy work schedule with assignments and its been causing me a lot of stress.  I started going to an occupational therapist to help me organise my life better and it has been a life-saver. I started seeing someone about two months ago, which I will post more about soon. My anxiety has gotten worse but my depression has definitely gotten better which is strange, the two usually go hand in hand. I think it’s because I’m so busy, I’m worrying about college, my relationship, my family, my friends. I don’t have time to let my depression get on top of me. It still does some days, of course. All in all, life has gotten a whole lot busier and much more stressful, but I think I’m happier.

Zara x

I feel lost and confused. I have no idea how to move on from something without closure, and now I’m starting to feel like I’ll never get it and I will spend the rest of my life in love with this person who is so toxic to me. He literally uses me for sex and has no regard for my feelings, and I still come running every time. I still want the absolute best for him. I hope he goes far and does well and is happy. There are so many moments when something small happens and all I can do is wish I could have shared it with him. He is the first person I want to tell when I get news. He is the person I want to call whenever I get upset. I feel completely out of my mind. He thinks I’m insane because when things ended I got upset and he felt I had no right to be. That’s not why I’m crazy, I’m crazy because even though he treated me like that I still love him. Why?! Why am I so stupid? Why do disregard my own feelings and worth?  Why can’t I just be normal and hate him and never want to speak to him again? Why is it that whenever I try to think about how he treated me, all I can see is his hand on my cheek and his eyes gazing into mine as though I was the most precious and beautiful thing he could ever hold? Why don’t I see all the nights I spent crying because he refused to answer his phone? All the times he made promises he didn’t keep?

I feel like ripping my hair out and curling up into a ball and just crying my life away. Why can’t I be normal? Why did I spend over a year loving someone who doesn’t even talk to me anymore? Except, of course, when he texts me to meet up and bang. I feel so shattered and incomplete. I will never know why one day he thought I was the most amazing thing to ever happen him and the next he never wanted to see me again. But, I know I’m going to spend my life wondering about it, and as long as I do, I will never be complete. I know I need to let this go, but I just can’t and it’s tearing me apart with it.

The sinking ship is my lifeboat” 

I don’t want to drown.

Zara x

PS this is a rant. It is not enjoyable to read or well written but I created this blog to serve as a type of diary and today that’s what it is.